In Sickness and In Health

JMJ

In Sickness and in Health 

I never thought while saying those vows, that I was the one who was going to be sick. I always envisioned a sick husband to take care of. One who suffered from dementia  or facing disability. I cringe at the Sentimentality of my thoughts then- Never did I imagine it would be me.

Dr. – called. You have Lyme.

Weird he knew first. The Dr. told him first and he told me. He rang and rang to reach me. I sometimes wonder how it hit him. Did he think back to our wedding day too? Sacred vows given freely, with a firm, hushed and quickened tone in the little chapel. The chapel of my youth.

– I do? She called? 

yes. Call her back. 

alright.

-honey.

yea.

it’ll be okay. I Love you. 

-Click –

She was never the same again. I sat on the sofa those words kept coming back to me. Is the woman I was just a few months ago- is that woman gone? will my husband look back and think to himself. She was never the same again? How much easier it would be for me to say those words about him! but I can’t, it’s me. Oh, how proud I was, even in those vows. How proud!

The blessed ring in my hand, I repeat the vows. Trying to comprehend the meaning of the symbols, the ceremony. In sickness and in health. I try to slip the ring on his finger, but it gets stuck half way. Nervous, I look up. Amused, he smiles. Finally it moves. To Death Do us part. 

I didn’t make dinner. I felt too tired. I’m sorry. 

It’s okay. Lay down. 

There’s left overs I think. The girls already ate. 

Lay down. Don’t worry about it. Are you hungry? 

No. 

My rings clank. Loose now. The ruby keeps slipping to the inside of my palm; the rings once proportioned, look large. I straighten them and lay down on the sofa.  Dear God!  The fatigue is unbearable. The vows spoken years ago weigh on my soul, but not as a burden, as I lay there I feel anchored. I am his. I was his in health and I am still his even now, especially now- In sickness. . . 

 

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5 comments

  1. Oh, so painful and poignant. I am sorry, sorry for the fatigue most of all.

    I have learned some of my best spiritual lessons in times of injury and illness, about what it truly means to surrender pride, about the nature of sacrificial love, about how to let go of all the little things that don’t matter.

  2. I’m sorry to hear about you not feeling well. That’s difficult for us moms who do so much for our kids. Your thoughts about actually living the marriage vows are touching. Praying for your recovery.

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